I don't know what my deal is lately, but I seriously feel like I have absolutely no patience with my 3 year-old. I'm not sure if it is him, or me, or maybe a combination of the two- I don't know. My gut feeling is that it is mostly me. All I know is it seems he has been keeping the time-out spot pretty warm these days. I feel really guilty sometimes, because I feel like I let my emotions make the decisions, rather than rational thought or love. Our mantra with parenthood has always been to let love be the motivation for discipline, not anger or frustration. But lately I feel like my anger has been making all the decisions around here! I hate it so bad. I try so hard and pray for more patience, but I feel like sometimes it just isn't enough. The sad part is, I realize that Drew really is a very good child, I feel like three years of consistent discipline and love have helped him pretty much know right from wrong, but I think sometimes I forget he is only three and expect way too much from him. This scares me because the last thing I want is to be that parent who has unrealistically high expectations for their kids, the kids know they can't be perfect, so they either rebel or stop trying. Sometimes I feel like I am borderline abusive when I feel my temper start to rise and then I lose control of it and practically throw him into time-out. We always talk calmly about why he is in time out and why what he did was wrong, then end things with a big hug and an "you are a good boy- I love you," which I think is imperative. But still, lately I feel out of control. My husband has the most amazing control over his emotions- I have never, ever seen him even come close to losing it. (That being said, he is not the one dealing with the children all day long, it is usually just a few hours a day, but still...I don't think he has it in him.) I admire this so much. I wish I could get better control over my temper and stop sweating the small stuff all the time, and be the loving, nurturing mother I am meant to be. I do think for the most part that I am a good mom, but I also feel like I tend to make a big deal out of nothing- all for the sake of being consistent. How do you know if you are too strict? How do you know what things to address, and what things to just let go? Just needed to vent...thanks for listening!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Momzilla
I don't know what my deal is lately, but I seriously feel like I have absolutely no patience with my 3 year-old. I'm not sure if it is him, or me, or maybe a combination of the two- I don't know. My gut feeling is that it is mostly me. All I know is it seems he has been keeping the time-out spot pretty warm these days. I feel really guilty sometimes, because I feel like I let my emotions make the decisions, rather than rational thought or love. Our mantra with parenthood has always been to let love be the motivation for discipline, not anger or frustration. But lately I feel like my anger has been making all the decisions around here! I hate it so bad. I try so hard and pray for more patience, but I feel like sometimes it just isn't enough. The sad part is, I realize that Drew really is a very good child, I feel like three years of consistent discipline and love have helped him pretty much know right from wrong, but I think sometimes I forget he is only three and expect way too much from him. This scares me because the last thing I want is to be that parent who has unrealistically high expectations for their kids, the kids know they can't be perfect, so they either rebel or stop trying. Sometimes I feel like I am borderline abusive when I feel my temper start to rise and then I lose control of it and practically throw him into time-out. We always talk calmly about why he is in time out and why what he did was wrong, then end things with a big hug and an "you are a good boy- I love you," which I think is imperative. But still, lately I feel out of control. My husband has the most amazing control over his emotions- I have never, ever seen him even come close to losing it. (That being said, he is not the one dealing with the children all day long, it is usually just a few hours a day, but still...I don't think he has it in him.) I admire this so much. I wish I could get better control over my temper and stop sweating the small stuff all the time, and be the loving, nurturing mother I am meant to be. I do think for the most part that I am a good mom, but I also feel like I tend to make a big deal out of nothing- all for the sake of being consistent. How do you know if you are too strict? How do you know what things to address, and what things to just let go? Just needed to vent...thanks for listening!
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6 comments:
First of all, I think you are a great mom. Second, I don't think there is a mother on the planet that hasn't thought the same things you have. I don't have a 3 year old, but I have had those moments with other peoples kids when I'm frustrated and then later think, they are only 4! Praying for patience is the the best advice, and you already gave it to yourself. The other thing I would do is ask yourself, "Why is he acting out?" Does he need more one on one time with mommy? Does he need a change of scenery? Does he need to run around outside and get his wiggles out? Does he need a little more structure? Does he need a little less? Try to see things from his point of view and maybe you'll be able to help him before he does something that makes you ROAR!
Ah Krista -- your are too hard on yourself. I remember wondering the same thing with Mariah...it is so hard to know if you are being too strict with a child... especially first children who talk and walk and act so big (Mariah started talking at 11 months...in phrases! It was so hard to remember she was still very little) Some of it is just age...I promise you it gets better.
I agree with the previous comment though...you have to ask yourself WHY they are doing something. It might be for attention, it might be to get a reaction, it might just be because he is testing limits. And it might be something totally different. Harrison has proven to be my toughest kid to discipline so far...because he talks so little and because he is just a little stinker sometimes!
I have learned that just the way I say things...my tone...it makes a big difference. If I say it sweetly, or in a "sing song voice" (it sounds lame...but it really works!) he responds better. Plus I have learned to give him LOTS of choices. Couple all that with patience and love...it will work.
I guess I have learned to let a lot go...even during the moment when it feels SO important to have control or to stand your ground because you already said "no". It really isn't. I try to ask myself if telling my child he can't have candy before lunch is "the hill I want to die on". Usually I give in. I save "no" for things that will really hurt him...like touching a hot stove or running in the road. If there is something he really wants to do...like standing on the desk (which he does ALL the time) I try to make it safe for him...let him see what he wants to see, or get something from up on top (while I stand next to him) and then ask him/help him get down. It usually works. I use time out (we call it "alone time") rarely...so that when he hits his brother or throws toys at his siblings...I can use that to emphasize that it is NOT acceptable. I never threaten him with "alone time" -- just ask him if he needs some. He will usually say yes...and then change his mind and want to get out. We talk about why he is there...and then give him a chance to try again to "be big".
It is so hard to not get angry sometimes...especially when kids do something that hurts someone else...like his little sister or you. Either that or you feel like he isn't listening...but he really is. He will prove that in his own time.
I have tried a lot of different things. Bottom line, I have learned to say "yes" more and "no" less...so that when I do say "no" -- my kids usually listen.
I am not the expert parent...but I am always willing to share my failures and successes with other moms...you will figure out what works for you and Drew. You are a wonderful mom. Give yourself the credit you deserve. Being a mom is hard work...we do the best we can!
Boy, I don't know who that "Maureen" is, but she has great advice, and I want to print it off and save it for later!
Michelle- Maureen is one of the other nurses I work with. It is true- she is one of the smartest and most positive people I have ever met in my life- she is awesome. I am lucky to call her a friend!
Krista -- thank you for the compliment...the feeling is mutual...I am VERY lucky to call you my friend!
krista:
yes i think all moms go through this!! and dealing with young minds who are out to discover their and your limits all day long is trying and is bound to ride the edge of your patience, no matter how patient you are. there is no easy answer, but certainly one of the best things i ever read about parenting is to always show respect for your children and what is important to them. it may drive me nuts that milla insists on having her bag of toys with her while i comb her hair-- we need to hurry out the door, and i don't want to wait for her to go round up her things just for a quick hair brushing. but these little things can be so important to them and i have to learn to respect some of these things that make her happy. of course there are plenty of times when what may make her happy is going to end up breaking something or hurting someone and then obviously you draw a line, but so often i have to stop and put myself into her little head and see things from her point of view, and remember she has a different agenda than i do!
go easy on yourself, we all go through what you are going through and you are doing an amazing job!!!
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